PLEASE HOLD
Welcome to this week’s column, which will clearly illustrate how we in the newspaper business are keeping up with modern times. Your readership is important to us, so to help us better serve your needs, please choose from the following options:
Please press 1 to proceed to the first sentence of the column.
Please press 2 to receive diabetes advice.
Please press 3 if you would like to receive a 4-digit pin number via your phone.
Please press 4 if you would like to know what the 4-digit pin number is for.
Please press 5 if you want to know whether you are important to us.
We interrupt this menu to bring you an alternative menu of options. Please hold while we transfer you.
Please press 27 if you are already irritated and wish to bang your head on a hard surface.
Please press 28 if your current washing load contains lingerie or delicates.
Please press 29 if you still want to proceed to the first sentence of the column.
We see that you have pressed 29, but we are afraid it’s not that easy. For security reasons, we need to be sure that you are who you say you are and not a hacking imposter hell-bent on reading this column for personal gain or using it as a platform to post advertising. Please answer these security questions.
What is your inside leg measurement?
Correct.
What was your mother’s maiden name?
Correct.
We interrupt this questioning to bring you an important message. The questioning will continue after this important message.
The answer to your winter warming woes is the new solar-powered SUNNY heater. It operates on one 9-volt battery, which will provide you with hours of heat even outside on the deck. Order in the next seven minutes and you will receive another SUNNY heater absolutely free. Okay, another two, three, four SUNNY heaters absolutely free of charge.
And we will throw in a handsome set of steak knives in an attractive macramé pouch tastefully decorated with dried mung beans absolutely free of charge. All right, two sets of knives. But only if you order in the next seven minutes. All right, eight minutes. Our lines are now open.
And now, back to the questions.
What is your favourite colour?
We are sorry. You have given an incorrect answer. Please press the hash key to return to the original menu. You will be automatically placed in a courtesy queue and requests will be processed in the order they are received.
We are currently experiencing high readership demand so the current waiting time is four weeks, two days, three hours and two minutes [but that is only a guide] and execrable music will play to make your wait even more unbearable.
We thank you for your patience and remind you that your readership is important to us.
Five weeks later…
Welcome at last to this week’s column.
The digital world is irritating and frustrating in so many ways. An average human weighing in at 80kg when wearing only scanty attire can easily fritter away two hours per day trying to talk with a service provider [“please hold”] on the phone only to have the call drop out completely before any worthwhile communication occurs, deeming it necessary to go back to square one and begin the whole painful process again.
Being on hold for two hours cannot be considered fruitful use of time, so I would like to suggest another way we could do all this. What I have in mind involves no 4-digit code, no pin number, no security question, no “please hold”, no drop-out.
Does that sound appealing to you? Yes?
Well, all it involves is …
- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
